Dec 28

I bet you've had those days that you rather sleep all day than be awake and feel bad. Let's be honest. That's not due sadness.

Those moments when you feel your heart in your stomach and you're desperately trying to find a way to go back in time and do something in a different way or simply don't do it. Or moments that you desire to disappear or you just hate yourself. It's called guilt. And it is not on self basis. The reason is someone else, more specifically someone who had trust in you, someone you disappointed.

This is the moment you become worthless in your own eyes to the rest of the world. The reason, the betrayal. Your betrayal to that person and to yourself.

The problem out of this is that there is no actual turning back, which means you're becoming also hopeless. And the question is whether you should do something about it or you should just put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Take a moment to appreciate what you have or what you're starting to gain before you ruin or lose it.

Early Morning Poetry

Blood. Down your throat, down your face
The end. No more pride, no more grace
You're choking on the words you try to say
and your sins are digging down your grave

Pray no more, there's no God here
Our souls are filthy, whose is clear?
Or if you will, you pray but yet remember
No one listens, no one loves you tender

No one will 'be there' forever
Trust is dull, you're more clever
Drown and die but have you lived with honor?
When no one got to know you, you're just another stoner

I know that you're deeper though
Broken heart, damaged soul
The rest, they see just a facade
If you seek truth, you must seek inside.

Sonnet

Hopeless in the middle of the night I lie

Thinking I was only born to die

Mischievous ghosts are taking all the pain

to put it in my eyes and turn it into rain

Another leaf of hope falling from this tree

This tree now just a trunk of distant memories

By it I sit and listen to the silence

I hear the wind, I see the violence

The good one always walks alone

the closest ones are here but they don't

wish to stay, their place is set

they're the friends that I have never met

The misfortunes of virtue, I thought.

But virtue is not all I've got.

E. Hastings

Blind

Our life is not a life.

It's a puppet show. Spectacular.

Keep silent. Never rouse a strife

Be the same as others or be similar.

Be just a sheep in a numerous herd

Play innocent, play weak

If you speak, they'll just pretend they never heard

So it's better if you never speak

You're so blind and so is everybody else here

They had jabbed your eyes and silenced your opinion

Look around, everybody's brainwashed, dear

Your face says 'fine' but your soul wants a rebellion.

Stand out! For your own's sake, stand out!

I beg to differ from the mass.

Save your cloud-castle! Run! Shout!

Or your notional fetters will forever last.

Open your eyes. 

E. Hastings

Admire me from a distance

The unfathomable reason why this dreamless night prompted me to make an inspirational confession makes me quite perplexed but it also makes me feel like I'm becoming more discerning, more aware of how to warily protect my heart from being smashed once again. 

I, like most of the people, couldn't miss that phase of life, called puberty, which is known to be every parent's nightmare but to be honest, my parents hardly knew when I hit puberty crisis because what I did was the worst thing that a child could do then or the best, I don't even know. But I buried my thoughts and feelings inside and never let anyone help me. I never understood whether it made me emotional to the utmost or resistant to a large degree. Out of this, however, I appeared to be both. Unexpectedly in a way, this inevitably led me to a state of mind which meant believing that my soul has bones. Bones, steady to that point where a single smile could break them and my soul would collapse in anxiety. It was OK until I realised that every time my soul toppled down, it left scratches on my heart. It seems to be quite blurry what happens next so I'm leaping straight to my confession. 

Intimacy frightens me! It scares me to death and I don't even have a crystal clear reason why. I would rather lock myself in an invisible box of prudence while dreaming about a fetterless, emotion-releasing existence with a constant spark of joy and life-gladness.

So admire me from a distance. Not because I am threatening you. Not because I am cold. But because I am fragile. My soul has bones but they are breakable.

Drowning In White Agony

DROWNING IN WHITE AGONY

In the darkness you fall.

But aren't you pleased to be a shadow?

You're hardly any visible and hardly ever seen.

You love it even though you don't know what it means.

But why are you feeling so shallow?

In the darkness you crawl.

Does it take a little bravery to be a ghost?

Are you brave enough to be so viewless?

Take a breath.

Hold your breath.

Now release it, though it's pointless.

Wasn't that the thing you feared the most?

You're pale and fading.

Seems like drugs had drained your soul.

I can feel you're losing hope.

Stop!

I remember that there used to be a heart where now's a hole.

You're wan and shading.

But the comfortable darkness you are hid in

won't be your refuge for good.

Run! It's over.

Don't you feel you're getting sober?

Now you're gone but there's a shadow where you stood.

You're too deep, there's no point diggin'.

You slide.

Look around, it's winter.

You are clean so is your mind and heart.

But your mind is stoned and your soul is hard.

You turn into an icicle and you splinter.

You fall.

You're drowning

in white.

E. Hastings

Welcome To The Theatre

A play.
One play but myriad stories. Each story with thumping payoffs. For each payoff another plot twist.
An actor.
One actor but umpteen roles. For each role very much indeed masks.
And we are still wondering...
Why do we find it so impossible telling people apart? Why is it so difficult to contradistinguish the good ones from the bad ones? Why do we always stumble over falsehood then fall into the foolish abyss of mistrust? And the most ridiculous matter... we let ourselves be trapped in deception again and over and over.
And I am still wondering...
Is it because we are silly or is it because we are blind?
Either of these reasons would be better than the truth.
We aren't stupid or silly.
We aren't blind or deaf.
We are people.
And people believe.
And that is the problem with us. We can make every lie become a fact only by rubbing it in our minds.
Our whole deliberate existence is an illusion without the ability to find the insight.

We are all held hostage on that stage, in this theatre.

Then again,
A play.
A bunch of actors.
Countless stories.

Welcome to the theatre called Life.

E. Hastings

Top 5

Hello dear readers,

It's almost time to go to school but I'm not feeling like it at all. The only subject I'm looking forward to is Ethics. I could spend my life in this seventh period every Tuesday and Thursday just sitting on the first desk with my eyes open with interest. I love Ethics! Just as much as I loved Psychology and just as much as I will love Philosophy in 11th grade. Yay! Feeling inspired. 

Anyways there are a lot more things I love about school, though. Time for a Top 5 Like List!

Top 5 What I like about school:

5.Breaks! Those sweet 10 minutes I can take a breath before my next torture begins. Or those busy 10 minutes I can use to review the material I would need to know for the next period. Both cases - very useful 10 minutes!

4.Handwriting Practise. LOL. No, truly. I love the dictations and the study plans we write. I can proudly boast that I have a beautiful handwriting. 

3.Interesting Subjects. The subjects like Ethics, History, Geography, Literature etc. that make me actually LISTEN and PAY ATTENTION because it's interesting. The way that teachers deliver us the material is also important, though.

2.Opportunity for creativity. YES! This is what I can say I LOVE about school. The projects! We had an amazing project to do last December. 'Create your own country' One of the many reasons I love this specific English teacher. 

1.Secure Future. The most important of all, the secure future that school provides us. What would we be without school? We wouldn't have met all those amazing friends. We wouldn't have learnt all those important things (+those we will never need :D). We wouldn't know what we want to become in the future if there wasn't school. 

However, I'm far from the thought we only love things about school so it wouldn't be fair if there isn't a Top 5 Dislike List. Agree?

Top 5 What I dislike about school:

5.Muggy Classrooms. There is no way I can study without the possibility to breathe. I hate muggy classrooms! 

4.Mathematics. I have NEVER been good at this subject! I force myself to get good grades. (It's the aim, you know?)

3.Boring Subjects. Haha! I bet everyone has had fallen asleep in a class at least once! It often happens to me.

2.Unreasonable Evaluation. Teachers often try to find a way to give the students the opportunity to get easy grades. Well, sometimes they make it even harder for us and often the evaluation happens to be unreasonable. 

1.Unfair Teachers. Everyone has a protege. Teachers, though, should not have proteges! IT'S NOT FAIR! :( 

We can't live without school, though. Not in this epoch, though. :D Time to go to school. Have an amazing (and progressive, of course) day! 

E. Hastings  

Inspiration For Motivation

Good evening/morning/afternoon, people from around the world! Probably some of you just took the daily dose caffeine and are ready to start a progressive Sunday or are planning to stay in bed and watch television during the rest of the day. Personally, I am at the end of a Sunday of hard-working. Ever since school started after the Christmas break I haven't slept much and I assume most of my classmates haven't either. The thing is, we're too tired and too bored to be creative. TOO MUCH SCHOOL! + It's almost the end of the term and we're occupied with additional studying in order to get the better grade and maybe fight for a scholarship. So among those obsessive academical monsters the fairies in our heads are deeply asleep. Too bad. Who has motivation to study without inspiration?
This week was a torture for me. Basically, summed up I had not any more than 15 hours of sleeping Monday to Saturday. That was the reason I overslept today and still, when I woke up at 2pm my mother immediately came up with something I could help her with. Even though all of this is so boring and tiring I found a way to live through it! As I may have given you a hint, it's all about inspiration!
Are you feeling inspired to GO FOR IT and STUDY ALL THE SUBJECTS? Guessed so! Well, it's your lucky day becase I am going to share my secret! I may sound like a cheap advertisment but my sources are reliable. :D
My secret: I try to find inspiration in everything and if I try hard enough, usually I manage to.
Start with taking something you dislike and turning it into something you find interesting or if this doesn't work try to figure out this one: "It doesn't matter what it takes to reach the aim, it's important to actually reach it."
I made it quite long as for a first post but with sincere intentions. Have a great day/night and live long and prosper!

E. Hastings